describe a broken heart

I just had no idea about heartbreak.
When I used to be a teenager, all my friends started dating, kissing, fucking, loving.
The only thing I started was writing and I watched them wandering through all these phases, from curiosity to happiness to sadness to hate. 
I never got the chance to feel the same, because in that age I dealt with so many other problems and love was so far away, neither was anyone interested in me at all. I tried to imagine what being in love and especially heartbreak must feel like, but I was sure it wouldn't be as harsh as they all acted like and told me. 
They say love can show you heaven and hell at once, and I wondered if it would kinda feel like my bipolar disorder then. 
So when people told me about heartbreak I laughed. It sounded so dramatic. 

Now that I'm 21, I'm sitting at book stores, writing about those times when I didn't know anything about heartbreak.
On my way I almost got hit by a car because my thoughts about him were louder then the traffic noises could ever be. 
I needed 10 minutes to choose a song on my iPod that didn't remind me of our story.

I feel it for the first time and I feel it all.
Sometimes, my hands shake when I see someone looking like him, and they shake, god they shake, even hours after.
How can I feel this numb and still cry myself to sleep every night?
I asked people, but they looked at me in a strange way. Why? You could also just have been honest with me. You told me heartbreak is crying a lot, and eating chocolate and watching girly movies and fucking around to forget. 
You know what? That's what I did before. That was my lifestyle everyday. This is not heartbreak. This is not fucking heartbreak okay?
You did not tell me that heartbreak means, you stop caring for yourself cause he was the only reason you ever did. No one said you see him in everyone, or his voice haunts you all the time. That you pull your pillow closer at night, pretending it would be him. Or you still talk to him, even though he left you months ago.
You did not tell me that everyone around you moves on, while your world stopped since that day he said he doesn't want you anymore. Your own world stopped and it's either too silent or too loud in there all the time. There is just no in between.
Yeah, people told me a lot about broken hearts. But no one told me it would be like this. 

I miss the times I didn't know anything about heartbreak.
I would know how to breathe again. 
                                              
                                                                - three months later/ nothing changed